Since it’s cyber Monday (side bar: “cyber”? What year is this 1997?)  I went ahead and bought myself the boring things I “NEED” such as bras – not even cute ones (all the lame day – to – day colors) and a leopard print dress (for work!). This allows you to purchase things I actually WANT at an incredible discount & make me happy come christmas time – it’s a win-win !

L word Complete Series (box set)

Forever 21 Items (all linked individually for ease of purchase) 

PAL TO NTSC converter - what you think all lesbian dramas come in USA format? if only girl – if only. 

To help you shop I made this playlist. Mind you I made it on Black Friday at 2 am after roughly 6.25 meals consisting of turkey and several hours of real life window shopping. Triptophan and endorphins fueled me. I was convinced I had real prowess as a mix tape maven. I even humble braggedthat there was a song for every person ever in this playlist – chuckling to myself at its masterful twists and turns. However, upon listening today– actual mix tape post day — I am certain I was satiating only the crazy personalities in my head. My apologies – buy me some better music or real dj equipment or music lessons to make it better. Google some coupon codes for music taste or something. Ok? 

ONE: Meatball Madness  
I get perks at my company (which shall never be named because I understand the laws of the internets): Cabs home after a late-night launch, free starbucks coffee, working in a kick ass building. And yet sometimes a rare gem comes across my inbox – “TWO EXTRA TICKETS TO NYWFF MEATBALL MADNESS.” Um, yes please! I dialed up my thurs. night drinking partner and told her to get her ass from Spanish Harlem to Prince street in 30 mins. We spent the evening hob-nobbing with the likes of my company’s Senior Vice Prez/Personal jesus and Restaurant titans Le Brothers Cirque. Before you ask, yes, Marco Maccioni’s hair is just as unkempt in real life & he was totally flirting with Itzelii (table for two anyone?). We gorged on celeb sightings (Donatella’s post-baby-body was looking awesomesauce), cocktails by Aperol, and balls ranging from rabbit (MY FAV) to chocolate cake dessert-balls! On a professional level it felt really cool to be drinking swanky cocktails as a VIP ticket holder and eating food I couldn’t afford a reservation for IRL. On a personal note it was utterly surreal cabbing it back to my NYC apt, drinks in hand, windows down, mouths open, belly’s full, laughing with my roomate. #moviemoment

TWO: Wedding Round Up
Someone should tell you the day you turn twenty “Start saving up for the never-ending-nuptial parade that is your late twenties / early thrirtys”.  Actually pretend you didn’t read that – its going to be my pitch to investment firms. Moving on – In the 14 days between 9/19 and 10/3 I’ve attended three weddings. Yes, 3 weddings in two weeks. And dammit if I didn’t shed a tear at all of them! But I’m getting ahead of myself. I’ve also celebrated love all summer long! Pictures are worth a thousand right? So I’ll take August – October Weddings for 1000, Alex. 
Rachel & Matt – How about that

Livvy & Dan – Midweek marriage

Erin & Kieran – inner harbor romance

Amadeus & Bridget – big red barn of love

THREE: first date jitters
Walking to the subway I could swear in front of me was a certain pair of cheeks I once knew intimately. The bag & the shoes were all wrong; plus she sauntered uptown and I was headed downtown for my date. 
However, it shook me up and a shoe malfunction (GUM) derailed me long enough to bump into Trench. 
“Whatcha doing here?! Omg Hi!” 
“I have a date – I mean I think it’s a date or its a beer – it’s unclear. But we have a definite text flirtation” 
Trench looks at me sideways “A date? Now?”
Who makes a date at 6:30 pm in NYC? If you guess me you would only be half right- being the blonde that I am I misinterpreted the “I’m off work at 6:30″ as instructions to “be there at 6:30.” I shrug and promise her a full recap over coffee in the morning. 

Now its raining and I have stood awkwardly for a few moments. I risk it and plop on a soaked bench for about 20 mins. Then frantically start texting Ricky & Shawny B. 
Me: “Am I getting stood up?” 
Shawny B: “DO NOT text her she will be there. Chill”
Me:“Too late. Offhandedly texted how to find the place since it is a bit hard” 

Simultaneous incoming texts

Ricky: do not text her yet
Date: you’re there already??

To overcome the embarrassment/calm myself. I turn to caffeine: a double espresso. When that fails, I haul buns to urban and retail therapy my way to hotness with a dapper pair of shoes for which I most definitely over paid. While looking for a trash bin on west fourth to toss the impulse spending evidence, I literally bump into one of the funniest people I know :: Vicki!!

“what if she sees me? I should go. Do I look straight?” 
“I’m early- yes you do bc you are –  it’s fine – I’m not even sure this is a date- how are you?”
So many nuggets of funny fly from her lips. She needs a reality show STAT. She leaves me with the parting text “Comedy gig I’m working has free drink tickets with ur name on it if she stands you up”

Fast forward to Date arriving and me sliding out of anxiety & into fun. It’s all breezy conversations, really flowing smoothly. I’m having a truly great time. We dance the do-we-even-like-one-another chatter pretty well. However, those espressos and beers start catching up with me and my head pounds in a way that isn’t normal. I get the check earlier than I’d like but offer to ride train together. Once inside & speeding underground, nausea slaps me across the face. I decide to ease my belly flopping insides by shifting the conversation to roller coasters. We discuss rides in detail using phrases like “bottom dropping out” and “could fling you into the ocean sideways”. Oh how I wish I was kidding.

By the time I reach my stop – another 98 blocks – I’m positively green and feeling like an ass. My apologies are barely audible – I’m hardly moving my jaw. Opening my mouth = Barfing on her. I manage “This was fun I’d like to see you again!” just before the doors close. I think I gave her the knee tap – a.k.a. the international sign of friendship. As I mount the hot sticky stairs out of the subway I know I have creeped her out beyond repair. I chill on a bench outside my apt and a dude who smells like intervention says “You okay dear? You don’t look so good” 

I text and she texts pleasantries about the mind/body connection (fragile – like my pride). I go to bed praying I’ll be right as rain (delusional) to ask her out for second date in the morning.

I had grand ideas about writing a post but this bitch Irene is all I can think about. What is she exactly? A storm? a cat 1? Weather men in bad ties keep telling me that she’s serious lady, not to be trusted and could become depressed. But no one is telling me what I’d really like to know: Is she even single? She’s just going to blow into town, ruin my weekend plans, meet my parents then scamper off with her gf, the Atlantic Ocean?! Leaving me to pick up the pieces?! Uh-uh (neck bob & finger point) no way. I’m not doing that…again.

ATTN We Interrupt this blog post for an important update: Bridget’s Bed Hopping Alert for September has been raised from Salacious to Criminal.

Get your mind out of the gutter! Look I made this infographic to help you understand what I mean.

Ok maybe this is a little misleading. I love info graphics esp when they are about fun things like beer and sponsorship codes. I bet this chart looks like it’s about sex. Unfortch this is not the case. #tumbleweeds #coulddacompletedp90xbynow

Instead it is my attempt at cataloging all the sheets my ass (in frog boxers #ProbsDyingAlone) has grazed of late. Between my Bridal Tour of Duty (Best M.o.H for Rachey and Co-M.o.H with Kelly). See what we did there? Turned that pejorative phrase on its head. Throw in favors like cat sitting / penthouse sitting for a few peeps; some time at Anne & Frank’s house in Flo Po; sleeping over at Gracey’s and BOOM! My noggin’s been on 6(ish) different pillows!

Ths mug has been not just drooling your pillowz (#DefDyingAlone) & morphing into a cat sitting lady (I need another infographic to explain how much worse being a cat sitting lady actually is – but this will suffice). My face has exclusivity eaten ONLY Seamless web ordered food. On the plus side – my wallet is so much lighter, no more back pain from lugging all those dolla-dolla bills. On the down side: everything else.

Enter FoodNetwork! My friend Michelle (hi! you look pretty!) has written this enthralling call to arms! After a summer of indulgence and frivolity (read: eating my feelings) I’m getting back into the kitchen. Hidden Plus: instead of my airplane sized joke of a kitchen, I’ll be using Anne & Frank’s amazing spread! I’ll be taking care of the animals – booba & the cats-who-still-dont-have-real-names – for a few weeks while they’re on the grandchild pilgrimage to NM. My mom is a gadget gidget deep down and my dad loved buying things Billy Mays (R.I.P.) told him to after midnight so I know this will be a fun experience. Pannini pressed sammy for lunch? They’ve got an APP-licance for that! Blended passion fruit smoothie with infused vanilla? They’ve got an APP-licance for that too! And what say you (all 2 of you reading this)? Won’t you join me in this challenge? Think of all the fun cook books you read to prepare for the challenge when the power goes out after that Bitch Irene kicks the shit out of the power grid!

Cmon Irene! Bring it!